Things I have learned

Dive deep into my life as I describe the things that I have learned so far:

  • I try to be independent but I always feel like I’m dependent on someone.
  • I over think everything.
  • The posts I made when I was a teenager (up into my early 20’s) is cringe – worthy. I think my split personality wrote that.
  • You will see that I have matured over the years (I’m hoping).
  • I’m still contemplating the big S. This is the year to do it but I don’t know when this year.
  • I am extremely judgemental.
  • I have seriously high expectations and it’s never ever flippen met.
  • I self-diagnose myself on a daily basis.
  • I am self-conscious because I’m ugly as heck. And over the years I’ve physically deterred.
  • I don’t know what I want.
  • I can’t handle emotions.
  • I keep grudges forever.
  • I sure the heck do not forget.
  • I can’t keep commitments.
  • My life is interesting but only to myself.
  • Also I talk to myself and have actual conversations with myself because only I know what is best. that was too much sharing.
  • I’m so jealous.
  • I need to find someone like me (I thought I found someone like me but he pretended).
  • My moods are unplanned.
  • I don’t believe in magic or religion.
  • I want things but it’s so unrealistic.

Thanks for reading I guess. In a few years when I remember to log back into this website I’ll go through this list and probably think, hmmm what the heck. There I go again deciding things which I don’t know the outcome off. I’m feeling down at the moment so my train of thought is in a different state. Shows you what I know. Anyhow whether anyone sees this, won’t make a difference because I don’t even know why I’m doing this. Lies! I do know why I’m doing this (secretly seeking help *maybe?).

I think I know what love is. I also think I’ve grown accustomed to it and now I don’t know what it is anymore. What I do know is that I’m a selfish human who disrespects everyone except myself. Then again I am writing this on my fags. Here I am trying to get fame by writing a boring ass post about my thoughts. Shouldn’t I be posting fake news? Drama always gets attention. Speaking of which, I love other people’s drama. My life is dramatic in some senses. By the way Lisa is in another country teaching English. M changed but not completely, she got married and has three kids now. And me? I’m typing my feelings out because I’ve got issues (not true). But ja, such is life.

Got to go

Advertisements

Thou art not deceased? 2018

Well, well, well. I shan’t believe my eyes. What have we here? An actual feed from yours truelly? But it’s been 3 years, almost 4. What on earth happened?

You will not believe!!! So bloody much has happened. I actually forgot that I still have this blog running. Herewith below I shall provide you with a summary of what occurred over the past couple of years.

2016:

I kept my job from 2015 but still on contract. Did I mention that I was working during the evenings? Made acquintances with several people. Still with R. Kept in contact with siblings. Met a foreigner over some chat and I’ll call him “T” – so much drama.

2017:

Still working for same company from 2015. Lost contact with “T”. Later during the year started working day shift and got to work from home. R purchased a flat. My sister gave birth. Oh and R proposed. Also two became 1 but not biologically. Instead of me and R staying on our own, his family business got into our business and because we like to assist others, we thought we could help (heck were we wrong). The third person in the flat was his “adopted sister” (quotations required as she was not adopted). This third person almost caused me and R to split because she is trouble. We moved to the new place.  R’s mom then died…

2018:

Started with planning a wedding with no funds. Still employed but not permanent. Third person left (yippee). R wants to quit. Wedding is happening maybe next year as funds have been saved up. I’ll be unemployed at the end of this year.

Currently? Typing this out for you to read. So there you have it. A break down of my life. I’ll get into it once I’m settled in my emotions.

Not exactly a rollercoaster but it’s something. Thanks for reading.

May 2015 – some things that occurred

Hello Dearest Reader

Thanks to the new followers and future followers. I apologize for the late blog (as if I am so important).

You will be happy to know that I managed to find a job. Awesome stuff even though it is not permanent (yet). I started loving corporate clothing. Before I hated it because well it looked like something old people would wear. By old I mean (60 and up).

Ian married Nikki, Nina left TVD. Sad buzz. Miley well she is doing some Hippie organisation thing. Shakira has her body back. The royals welcomed a new family member (Charlotte Elizabeth Diana). R got a new haircut by yours truly. I got new curtains and bedding in the flat. Oh and I made a few “friends”. My Spanish just went down the drains because I have a lazy gene (like the gay gene). My sarcasm is dry.

I am not going to waste your time any longer. Go back to doing something productive. I appreciate the read.

Sweet stuff

Me

Mother’s Day letter to the dead

Hi Rachel

This is the 5th Mother’s Day without you. Soon it will be the 5th birthday without you. A lot has happened since you left. Still somehow I hope to see you again. Sometimes I take a look at my life and wonder if you would have approved and then reality kicks in. No matter what I do I will never know. You are gone, very far away. You are dead. It hasn’t completely sunken in yet. I know, it’s sad – you’ve been dead 5 years and I am still grieving.

I finally graduated. I even managed to get another 80%. Guess what – I even managed to convince a company to employ me. Every now and again I break down and cry over you. I have come to love corporate wear. I even wear dresses in public for an entire day now. Crazy I know! Soon I am going to earn a salary and put up a head stone for you. It’s not much but it’s something to give back to you.

You should know that I am living closer to you. Like 2 stations away from where you are buried. I remember that one time when I went on that school program for a week and you did not  want me to go. You said that you needed me at home but you allowed me to go any way. When I got back you couldn’t wait to hear all about it. You even bought me a tracksuit and sports wear. We had a lot of bad times together but also good times. Remember when we used to sit in the lounge and just gossip about our neighbors? I miss those days. The times when we went to the shop and I ended up carrying everything – if I could do it all over again I would – in a heart beat because I would appreciate every second spend with you.

You weren’t a good teacher but you tried and that’s what matters. You raised a flippen good kid. I love a clean house and I am organised plus I don’t allow people to walk all over me. Heck I am as stubborn as you and you aint even my mother but my grandmother. I’m still in touch with my sisters but they don’t talk about you.

Every day I carry a piece of you inside of me. You are an element of surprise and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I know you cared and I love you.

Forever yours

EnglishBlackRose

Is the dead truly forgotten?

Touchy topic? For me too but hey I can handle it.

Do you hate the dead for leaving? I do. There wasn’t time to finish bonding because death ripped her from me.  All I got was a death certificate saying “COD: natural death” and photos to remind me every day of what I could have had.

My gran was a stubborn, strong woman who treated me like shit when she was alive but I remember why she did it. I hate her for dying, for leaving me, for being weak, for giving up. She should have fought it. Now I cannot hear, see , touch or smell her. I see her in my dreams but I have no idea why she is making an appearance. Is it because I blame her for dying? No, I am not wrong. You want to know why? She and I hardly ever had a good relationship and then a couple of weeks before she died we actually had a lovely relationship. We spoke like civilized people, laughed together, cooked together.

I know I wasn’t the only one who lost her. Going to her grave gave me no closure. She died and I can do nothing about it. But I always feel sad in December. I feel as if I am missing something in my life. Obviously it is because I feel as if I am not making her proud. My entire life I was told what to do by her, now I have to make my own decision and live with it. I just want her to tell me what to do. I miss her and I cannot get over her. It’s been five years and I still haven’t gotten over her death. Am I angry? Yes! Asking why is useless because I won’t get an answer.

I imagine seeing her in public, somewhere on the street but when I speak to her, calling for her “Mamma”, she turns around and says she doesn’t know who I am. My imagination is funny I know. Like she comes back looking like herself but lives a different life. I suppose it is because I long to see her again. Goodbyes are sad so maybe I shouldn’t wish to see her again, even if it is for a day. I didn’t say goodbye to her before she died (I didn’t know she was going to die) and I don’t think I will be able to say goodbye if I had to spend a day with her. She did teach me what hope is.

When you lose a loved one, whether it is a wife, a son, a daughter, a brother, a father or a mother; you truelly know what life is all about. To answer my question in the title: Yes you can forget the dead but only once you who remember the dead is also dead. And that is the circle of life.

I know you cared. – EBR

2015 Update

Hola amigos!

 

Yes I survives 2015 and no deformities yet. Good news, I passed!!!!! Bad news: I am unemployed…

Yeah every action has a reaction.

 

I am graduating in March in this year (looking forward to it). I failed my learner’s license – I know right? 30 MCQ’s should have been easier than law but yeah.

 

A lot has happened since last when you read my dumb found blogs.

For instance: I started learning Spanish (Level 9 on Duolingo) and Swedish (Level 6). Before that I made my first Youtube video, trying to speak Bulgarian. Yeah, I know Nona Dobrev has that effect on one. Oh and my distant relatives finally aknowledged that I actually look like them (one for the books). I became a fan of Ellie Goulding – currently listening to I know You Care, on repeat. In-laws has trouble in paradise and my sarcasm has become way more fluent than I expected it to be.

 

Since I have all the time in the world for as long as I live I might as well start blogging and bitching to no one out there again. Yeah sounds good. By the way I tried jogging on one spot three days ago, not a good idea. It was only 4 minutes but my calves are killing me. Hopefully I did not tear a freaking muscle. One more thing, I actually found some comfort in Vodka – that’s clean Vodka.

 

Let me start blogging.

 

Do skoro

MK